THE JOYS OF COMMUTING IN JAPAN
Perhaps, being a car owner, you’ve never had to commute to work using public transportation. Lucky you! Don’t wallow in your complacency, but occasionally reflect upon how privileged you are, and while motoring in the city presents its own issues, spare a thought for the poor bastards who have to use public transportation in Japan on a regular basis during peak hours.
Let me guide you now on a journey as a commuter in Japan, so that you too can savour all the sights and smells of this glorious experience. Consider it an antedote to all the nonsense that’s spouted about Japan online by those rose-tinted bespectacled apologists who imagine Nippon to be some kind of paradise where everyone is kind and respectful in a nation that consists solely of ancient temples, large skyscrapers and bowing deer.
THE PRELUDE
The successful commuter needs to employ strategy at every point in the journey : how early do I need to arrive at the station if I want to get first place in the line? Which carriage do I need to be on so that my egress at the other end expedites my overall progress? Where do I need to be in the carriage itself to further this operation in the most efficient manner?
The fun starts before you even get near a train.
As I’m sure you know, you’re supposed to line up at the marked spots on the platform before boarding. But where to line up? You have to choose your prospective carriage carefully, a balance between avoiding the most crowded spots and being able to get out in close proximity to the exit gates at the other end. Always, you must compete with the hordes who have their own agendas.
So, you’ve selected your spot, and you’ve arrived a good ten minutes early to ensure you’re at the front of the queue. It is at this point that you will encounter the first annoyances of the day.
There’s the prime spot usurper: this person will arrive some time after you, but will stand next to, rather than behind you. Technically this isn’t against the rules, since making a double line on either side of the doors is the norm. However, the usurper will then subtly edge forward so that they are always slightly in front of you. This person is always male.
Then there is the blatant usurper. This person knows that the train doors at this spot do not exactly coincide with the markers on the platform, and so they will begin a new line at the location where the doors will actually be, completely disregarding the long ‘official’ line. There isn’t much an honest commuter can do about this flagrant breach of etiquette, although it is not unknown for bags to accidentally come into strong contact with the interloper’s person during the chaos of boarding.
ON BOARD
OK, so now we are on board our cattle wagon, er, commuter train and it’s time to document the perils to be found here and the techniques necessary for making a smooth exit.
On every carriage of every train you are going to encounter the following human hazards. It’s almost written into the rules that it should be so.
The Garlic Mouth - apparently brushing your teeth after breakfast is not a thing for some people. The Garlic Mouth will always be standing right next to you.
The Sniffer - because blowing your nose is not the custom in Japan, you are going to have to listen to the sound of snot being endlessly moved around someone’s nasal cavity for the duration of your journey. There will almost certainly be multiple Sniffers near you. They are predominantly male, and the level of snorting in terms of decibels will increase in inverse proportion to age.
The Disease Spreader - again predominantly male, this creature will cough and sneeze repeatedly into your face without bothering to cover their mouth. They won’t be wearing a mask, because only people who are not sick wear masks : the dripping noses and sweaty countenances of the tainted will always be unmasked.
The Stinker - in all fairness, given the fact that most Japanese people don’t shower in the morning, the level of body stank is surprisingly low. However, whiffy old people and greasy teens (predominantly male) are likely to give off a range of noxious odours including the fabled ‘Kotatsu Stank,’ a particularly foul miasma caused by all-nighting under the overly-hot heated table the natives of this nation like to stew themselves under in winter.
The Flatulater - in every carriage someone decides to release vile sulphurous clouds of personal gas into the air, while everyone else has to assert a silent aura of innocence. Masks do not protect one against airborne poo molecules.
The Nutter - the Japanese attitude to the mentally ill seems to be one of integrating them into the community - one will be assigned to each train to mumble, shout, get in the way and act unhygienically. They have a habit of homing in on foreigners. It is interesting to note that if there are two free seats in a carriage, one next to a foreigner, the other a nutter, the Japanese person will choose the nutter every time.
The Nodding Donkey - if you do manage to get a seat on the train there is a high probability that the overworked school kid sitting next to you will begin to nod off. Their head will periodically make contact with your shoulder, then jerk upright again in a comical perpetual motion that will last the duration of the journey. Your job will then be to make periodic subtle movements strong enough to deter a more prolonged stay on your shoulder. You will feel embarrassed.
The Door Blocker - most likely an unwashed male teenager of school age, they will deposit their vast collection of bags on the floor in front of the doors, thereby ensuring a challenging egress from the vehicle.
The Dumb Tourist - this specimen, known to operate in large groups of overly-expressive Mediterraneans or ten feet tall Dutch retirees, will think nothing of boarding a commuter train between the hours of 6 and 9am. They will break all manner of unwritten etiquette. The natives will lump you, the foreign resident, in with them, despite your desperate attempts to telepathically broadcast an announcement to the contrary.
TEMPERATURE
The interior of the train will be either too hot, or too cold. The setting of the temperature is done by date and not actual climatic conditions. It could be 28C outside, but if the manual says the air conditioning goes off after 15th October, then go off it will. Note that the citizens of Japan select their garments in a similar fashion : “it’s 15th October, so I must now don my scarf, gloves and puffer jacket in stark disregard to the semi-tropical conditions prevailing outside and even though I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt yesterday.”
EXIT STRATEGY
Here’s what I consider a logical and fair method for negotiating a relatively painless exit from the vehicle. At every stop, inch forward to the side of the train where you will be getting out. Gradually move towards the goal of positioning yourself in the little recesses to the side of the doors where you can wait without hindering others, and then lightly spring out with ease when the time comes.
Don’t be like the Japanese, whose strategy is this: get on the train and try to get a seat at all costs, regardless of anything else. Make no effort to prepare for your exit until the train has actually stopped at your station. Only then move, leaping up and pushing through the throng, bowling over those already coming into the vehicle. Because an extra few minutes with your arse on a seat is sooooo important, right?
IN THE STATION
Your woes aren’t over once you leave the train, so don’t get complacent : the station environment is like a fast-paced video game in which the time-pressed commuter must skilfully navigate around a myriad of obstacles.
First, Japanese people do not have a very good sense of spatial awareness : they will be oblivious to your need for speed and will not part like the Red Sea to help you on your way. To make matters worse, anyone under the age of forty will also be ambulating slowly in a strange posture with eyes glued to some nonsense on their phone screen. Second, the default walking speed in Japan is very slow, with a side order of sudden inexplicable stops, usually executed at important choke points.
ESCALATORS
Perhaps you were under the illusion that escalators were designed to speed up movement : in Japan it is actually the opposite. Whereas once the norm was for the lard-arses to stand on one side leaving the other side free for people who were in a hurry, the authorities now actually encourage people to stand stationary on both sides, thereby completely blocking any accelerated movement. And, since the inhabitants of this nation just love any opportunity where they don’t have to expend any effort, if you’re in a hurry, the stairs are your only option.
ELEVATORS
The number of people, even the young and able-bodied, who flock to this means of conveyance, even for going down, is truly astonishing. God help you if you actually have a valid need to use them - your access will be blocked by a bunch of tossers for whom even a gravity-assisted descent on stairs is too strenuous.
CONCLUSION
I dare say commuting at peak hours in most places in the world is pretty awful - I write here about Japan simply because that’s what I’m used to. If I seem overly harsh it’s just my humour - in reality I’m grateful that I don’t have the additional risks of getting knifed, robbed or blown up that seem to be hazards in other parts of the globe.
Humans are pretty much the same the world over - a few angels, the vast majority fairly decent citizens, and then a chunk of antisocial wankers who are not evil per se, they just don’t care about the consequences of their actions. There’s not much can be done about them.
If you are planning on visiting Japan, most of what I’ve written above shouldn’t matter, for the simple reason that the well-prepared and considerate traveller will know to stay the fuck off public transportation from 6-9am and 5-7pm.