THE BEST MEAL IN THE WORLD

I’ve just prepared and consumed what must be the finest culinary concoction ever to tantalise the taste buds of human beans, er..beings.

I’ve taken a photo to capture the moment for posterity. You see, I live in Japan, and it’s rare that I get the opportunity to indulge in a repast as rich as this - it’s hard to source the refined ingredients in this neck of the woods.

If you’re British you will already know that beans on toast is an unequalled epicurean wonder. For the non-British, well, you need to try this comfort food par excellence. Frankly speaking, you can stuff all your fancy foreign bollocks : this is all you need. People have been known to live for decades on this alone, it’s that good.

Let me give you the recipe.

Ingredients

• beans (must be of the Heinz baked variety in a can)

• bread (sliced, preferably white ‘n’ crappy)

• butter

Method

• Dump the beans in a saucepan and heat gently. Stir sometimes. Ideally you should aim to get a few burnt onto the bottom for authenticity.

• Shove a couple of bits of the bread into the toaster and toast until it is just slightly burnt.

• Put the bread on a plate and spread liberal ammounts of butter over it.

• Dollop the baked beans all over the bread, making sure to get some gobbets on the side of the plate and if possible, on the floor and/or your garments.

• Shove it into your head as quickly as possible.

• For best results, have a cup of builder’s tea on hand in a chipped mug.

You have now debunked the myth that British food is bad. Spread the good news, people.